Skip to main content

How to Support Your Friends Through a Divorce or a Breakup (The Petty, Proper Way)

Divorce (or a breakup) is grief, remnants of love, and freedom all fighting for space in the same body, in the same psyche. It can be confusing and invigorating. It can also be celebratory, yet nerve-wracking. Sometimes the heaviness of it can convince you that staying is better than leaving (or being left…). Sometimes the heaviness switches to a sigh of relief as the pain of trying to hold on to what can’t be held is finally released.

You may not be the one going through a divorce or a breakup, but maybe your friend is on the precipice of change heading into the new year. So…..here is what you have to do to help them in the new season.

For Starters,

This is not the time for neutrality, balance, “Well, I see both sides,” or “Maybe you should pray for him/her.” Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear that. Your friend is not in that space yet. So, what do you do? I’m glad you asked.

Here’s how to support your friends through a divorce, or a breakup, the right way. (A quick note: this is petty truth and comic relief on some level, but as my grandmother used to say, “many a truth is told in a joke".)

 1. Cheer Them On. Loudly. With Evidence.

When everything is finalized, you don’t whisper congratulations—you CHEER. I’m talking clapping, yelling, dancing, big party energy. Take some videos of the celebration and prepare to send them later when your friend is feeling down. That will help your friend remember the joys of this new freedom.

                                            

Additionally, this is not the time for somber nods or polite hugs. This is emancipation. This is parole. This is “she did her time.” Act accordingly. Get it all the way in with the celebration (be responsible, though, duh…). The experience of laughter, jokes, a good meal, line dancing—whatever you will do—will help counteract the tears that may come later.

2. Shun the Ex. Completely. No Exceptions.

Let’s be clear: your friend gets you in the divorce or breakup. Full stop.

Not “I’m still cool with both of y’all.”
Not “I don’t want to be in the middle.”
Not “I hope we can all still go out as friends later.”

No. Choose. Quickly. Not wanting to choose gives “opp” vibes, to be honest. This is especially true if the ex-partner is abusive or harmful in any way, shape, or form. Any sometimey friend who still feels the need to be cool with the ex who has hurt their friend deeply will be cut off without hesitation. 

Now, okay, okay…, if the ex-partner did nothing sinister and things just did not work out, I don’t care. You still ride with your friend. If your friend did something foolish that caused the divorce or breakup, then address your friend privately—but in public, you have their back. Period.

3. Magnify All the Ex’s Flaws. Shrink Your Friend’s.

This is not a balanced character assessment era. Who cares if it’s fair? This is a devaluation technique to help your friend keep it moving.

This helped me years ago when I was going through my divorce. My friend saw my ex in public, took a picture, and then ran him down to me in the wildest ways possible—called him “dingy” and everything. Ooo-wee, baby, the way we laughed!

   

Now, I do recall someone else saying my ex was attractive, but my bestie at the time cut her off and said, “No, he wasn’t.” It made me feel better. That’s how you do it. If you happen to see the ex out in public, understand the assignment. The report must be unflattering. They looked bummy. Wack. Down bad. If this assessment is factual, photographic evidence should be sent immediately so healing may occur through collective clowning. This is not cruelty; this is community care.

4. Help Maintain a Healthy “Forget ’Em” Attitude

Sometimes healing sounds like prayer (once the anger stage of grief is worked through). Sometimes healing sounds like Martin Lawrence yelling, “Forget ’em, girl!” Well, he kind of said that more explicitly, but you get the point.

Your job as a friend is to keep that energy alive when your friend starts getting soft, nostalgic, or reflective—especially at 2:15 in the morning. Redirect. Replay the clip. Chant if necessary. Remind your friend exactly why freedom looks so good on them.


      

5. Okay, but for real

Real friendship knows when to shift the energy. After the jokes, after the cheering, after the petty has done its work, you also help your friend move toward something softer and stronger.

You help them carry their anger somewhere safe. You remind them that God can handle their rage, their grief, their confusion, their unfiltered prayers. Healing doesn’t require pretending. It requires honesty. Encourage them to take it all to God—and make sure you show up for them and join God in good being done in healing your friend’s heart.

Amen? Amen.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Attraction, Pheromones, and Hennessy

🎶 Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that could be...let's talk about sex.  Let's talk about sex.  🎶 Since sex is always a hot topic and because people are either always doing it, trying to do it-- ya know--the sex, or thinking about doing it, I figure we can at least talk about it.  Well, maybe we can just scratch the surface by looking at a few things that lead to sex: attraction, pheromones, and Hennessy. Attraction, pheromones and Hennessy (which will mean brown liquor or any alcohol in genera in this blog article) each have the capacity to affect your feelings, and those feelings dictate actions and behaviors for a lot of people. Although, its  based on a person's individual make up, I don't think we can deny that attraction on any level, pheromones, and Hennessy enable us to be more open to situations and people we should not otherwise entertain.  As a matter-of-fact, the...
6 comments
Read more

Returning to Paris felt like a Deep Exhale.

  Returning to Paris felt like a deep exhale. There’s a beauty to Paris that stays with you even after you are gone back home. It’s the beauty in almost every nook and cranny, the history hidden in plain sight, and music that seem to carry you throughout the day and night. This time, I wandered through Montmartre, surrounded by art and wonderment walking down the street, riding a carousel, and hiking up the steps to the Sacre-Coeur to attend service.  We took in the dazzling spectacle of the Moulin Rouge and still managed to pause, once again, and take in the beauty of Notre-Dame. We also visited the Ritz Carlton specifically to experience Bar Hemmingway (named after their legendary patron, Ernest Hemmingway) and also went to the Carette Cafe to drink the world's most exquisite hot chocolate. While these all seem to be certainly touristy activities, that view is based on one’s perspective. To me, it was more. They were more than tourist check off items—they were meaningful, G...
4 comments
Read more

The Art of Manipulation: Gas Lighting and Domestic Violence

The late comedian Richard Pryor once joked about his wife walking in on him having sex with another woman and his attempt to convince her that she was not seeing the situation accurately: "Who are you going to  believe ”, he asked hoping to confuse her, “me — or your  lying eyes ?" While it was just a joke and the audience probably got a good laugh from it, trying to convince someone that they did not see what they actually  did  see is a tactic used by manipulators to gain power and control. It’s abusive, and although the terms manipulation and abuse are not synonymous, it seems undeniable that they often go hand-in-hand when one seeks to gain or maintain power and control over another person. I recall being at a friend's house a few years back and stumbling upon the book, "The Art of Manipulation: How to Get Anybody to Do What You Want".  This book literally provides the "how-to's" of manipulation as well as the telltale signs for kn...
7 comments
Read more