How to Support Your Friends Through a Divorce or a Breakup (The Petty, Proper Way)

Divorce (or a breakup) is grief, remnants of love, and freedom all fighting for space in the same body, in the same psyche. It can be confusing and invigorating. It can also be celebratory, yet nerve-wracking. Sometimes the heaviness of it can convince you that staying is better than leaving (or being left…). Sometimes the heaviness switches to a sigh of relief as the pain of trying to hold on to what can’t be held is finally released.

You may not be the one going through a divorce or a breakup, but maybe your friend is on the precipice of change heading into the new year. So…..here is what you have to do to help them in the new season.

For Starters,

This is not the time for neutrality, balance, “Well, I see both sides,” or “Maybe you should pray for him/her.” Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear that. Your friend is not in that space yet. So, what do you do? I’m glad you asked.

Here’s how to support your friends through a divorce, or a breakup, the right way. (A quick note: this is petty truth and comic relief on some level, but as my grandmother used to say, “many a truth is told in a joke".)

 1. Cheer Them On. Loudly. With Evidence.

When everything is finalized, you don’t whisper congratulations—you CHEER. I’m talking clapping, yelling, dancing, big party energy. Take some videos of the celebration and prepare to send them later when your friend is feeling down. That will help your friend remember the joys of this new freedom.

                                            

Additionally, this is not the time for somber nods or polite hugs. This is emancipation. This is parole. This is “she did her time.” Act accordingly. Get it all the way in with the celebration (be responsible, though, duh…). The experience of laughter, jokes, a good meal, line dancing—whatever you will do—will help counteract the tears that may come later.

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2. Shun the Ex. Completely. No Exceptions.

Let’s be clear: your friend gets you in the divorce or breakup. Full stop.

Not “I’m still cool with both of y’all.”
Not “I don’t want to be in the middle.”
Not “I hope we can all still go out as friends later.”

No. Choose. Quickly. Not wanting to choose gives “opp” vibes, to be honest. This is especially true if the ex-partner is abusive or harmful in any way, shape, or form. Any sometimey friend who still feels the need to be cool with the ex who has hurt their friend deeply will be cut off without hesitation. 

Now, okay, okay…, if the ex-partner did nothing sinister and things just did not work out, I don’t care. You still ride with your friend. If your friend did something foolish that caused the divorce or breakup, then address your friend privately—but in public, you have their back. Period.

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3. Magnify All the Ex’s Flaws. Shrink Your Friend’s.

This is not a balanced character assessment era. Who cares if it’s fair? This is a devaluation technique to help your friend keep it moving.

This helped me years ago when I was going through my divorce. My friend saw my ex in public, took a picture, and then ran him down to me in the wildest ways possible—called him “dingy” and everything. Ooo-wee, baby, the way we laughed!

   

Now, I do recall someone else saying my ex was attractive, but my bestie at the time cut her off and said, “No, he wasn’t.” It made me feel better. That’s how you do it. If you happen to see the ex out in public, understand the assignment. The report must be unflattering. They looked bummy. Wack. Down bad. If this assessment is factual, photographic evidence should be sent immediately so healing may occur through collective clowning. This is not cruelty; this is community care.

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4. Help Maintain a Healthy “Forget ’Em” Attitude

Sometimes healing sounds like prayer (once the anger stage of grief is worked through). Sometimes healing sounds like Martin Lawrence yelling, “Forget ’em, girl!” Well, he kind of said that more explicitly, but you get the point.

Your job as a friend is to keep that energy alive when your friend starts getting soft, nostalgic, or reflective—especially at 2:15 in the morning. Redirect. Replay the clip. Chant if necessary. Remind your friend exactly why freedom looks so good on them.

      

5. Okay, but for real

Real friendship knows when to shift the energy. After the jokes, after the cheering, after the petty has done its work, you also help your friend move toward something softer and stronger.

You help them carry their anger somewhere safe. You remind them that God can handle their rage, their grief, their confusion, their unfiltered prayers. Healing doesn’t require pretending. It requires honesty. Encourage them to take it all to God—and make sure you show up for them and join God in good being done in healing your friend’s heart.

Amen? Amen.