“Anybody can fall in love...tell me how to stay there..." Just thoughts

"Anybody can fall in love, falling in love ain’t sh**. But somebody please tell me how to stay there....” (Love Jones)

A crucial question is asked above for those of us who are married, involved in romantic relationships or desire to be in one. In the movie Love Jones, Darius is expressing to his best friend, Savon, his disappointment in the fact that Savon brought a woman other than his wife to a party his friends were hosting. Savon and his wife were only recently separated and he turned his affections to another woman. He was clearly acting out and Darius decided to confront him as any real friend would. When confronted and told that he was wrong for what he was doing, his response was filled with searching and questioning. Many of us, if we have ever had deep feelings for someone and they have hurt us or made us angry, may have had the same thoughts and questions as Savon.

"Anybody can fall in love": is one of the truest statements ever. In fact, I am not sure we even need another person to fall in love. We just come up with the idea and then the other person, unsuspectingly, is the object of our desire and the sight for our googly eyes. But "crushes" are pseudo-love relationships constructed in one person's mind...not reality, and can lend itself to stalking...lol. But usually not. Then there is infatuation. People call infatuation love because when in a state of euphoria and awe (the same kind of feelings scientists say comes from chocolate) everything is all fresh flowers and sunshine. This pseudo-love is usually in the beginning stages of a romantic situation. However, once you get knee deep in a healthy romantic situation infatuation should dissipate, and a deep and real love--assuming its going somewhere--should ensue.

Common interest, mutual attraction and shared experiences can mesh together in a way that provides deep feelings of affection, commitment--even euphoria--but its all situated in reality. Crushes are based on imagination; infatuation is based on starry eyed interpretations or perceptions of a person, but real love is based on truth, commitment, connection and attraction at its basic level. Over time this love usually grows and expands as the individuals in the relationship grow and expand, change and adapt, and mesh and re-mesh and, of course, forgive. This is good stuff. It may not sound like the perfect romantic comedy where everything works itself out back to a state of "lovey-doveyness" in ninety minutes, but that is unrealistic.

"Falling in love aint shit..." if you don't work at still loving through the mess. See, the good-stuff-kinda love can find itself, years down the road, in the middle of conflict where couples who were once "lovey-dovey" decide that "...falling in love ain't shit" as Savon does in the movie Love Jones because under consistent pressure sometimes things fall apart and declarations such as "I love you" turn into hellish greetings like "Welcome to the Terror Dome" every time one comes home:



In the relational terror dome all bets are off and so are the rose colored glasses. Things become hell personified. Maybe its the result of fickle feelings of affection and selfishness instead of commitment. What was once great (or what was thought to be great) becomes a thing that has lost its allure and its newness. This happens mostly when one person gets involved in a relationship for the wrong reason or to fulfill a particular need. Then once the need is met the relationship seems like work and we search out others to saying "tell me how to stay there"

When Savon told Darius to "tell him how to stay there" essentially what he was saying was that the drama and chaos of marriage had drained him and he had little reserves and little coping skills for working with his wife through that season. They were separated. He had all but given up. But...eventually things turned around and their marriage was restored and forgiveness covered their family. That's how you stay there! Forgiveness and stick-to-it-iveness (dogged perseverance and tenacity).

Forgiveness and sticktoitiveness are planted on selfless love. There is absolutely no way self-centered behavior can bless a relationship that should be based on the interdependence of two people. "I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together...I'm good all by myself but baby you make me better" should be the one Fabolous song that every couple knows. Building with the right person in a mutually giving and loving way should make a couple stronger together and as individuals. It just seems to me that if people are taking care of each other the way they would normally take care of themselves (assuming they are healthy and whole) then both parties in a relationship would be getting their needs met and actually flourishing. I am not saying that one has to give up everything about his or her life and morph into the other person, but I am saying that there is a special oneness that comes about as people grow together...especially toward marriage which is the purpose of dating and romantic relationships, right? (Marriage is alive and well...and well...sometimes in need of help.)

Two other things that help couples to fall in love and "stay there" are gratefulness and graciousness. When you are grateful to God for your significant other or spouse that will manifest in the way you deal with them. This does not mean that you don't express yourself, stand up for yourself, or speak up for yourself when need be; nor does it mean that there is no accountability for promises made and changes that need to be made, but it does mean that you remember the good in him or her when the bad is yelling and spitting in your face. It means your remember to cherish him or her when you are frustrated. And it certainly means that you purposely respect your SO/spouse when you'd rather pay them back for hurting you or irritate them for irking you. Gratefulness and graciousness as practice and discipline can keep both people mindful and prevent things from getting out of control.

These attributes help you to remember to be patient and not respond to everything. This way you can do a heart check so that bitterness doesn't grow there. If both people are actively working on these then staying in love won't be such a bewildering or elusive thing. While "anybody can fall in love" because those loving feelings are the good warm fuzzies of our emotions based on what makes us feel good about the other person, and while at times we conclude that "falling in love aint shit" because the hard times and disgust have all but knocked us out, "love" should be viewed as the commitment to what one has promised or intended--and one must work at that! Perhaps one may say that the "in love" feeling is the kite that is blowing in the wind and sailing according to the elements while "love" is the string that holds it steady and keeps it in perspective no matter what the weather is doing. We all need that string to keep our proverbial kite in place--our commitment to work through things to keep our negative emotions in perspective and in check--that will help us to "stay there".