Fake Friends in Difficult Days (This one steps on toes....so be it)

A short while ago Oprah actually had a show talking about things that women learn in their thirties.  I had been saying that my learning curve happened in my twenties and continues in my 30s.  I have always been thought of as a person who is wise beyond her years but there are somethings you just can't learn until you have lived and taken some lumps and suffered some bruises.  For some reason I thought I learned that a lot of people are grimy and selfish when I was young. My first bestfriend dated my first "boyfriend" behind my back when I was in grammar school and my other bestfriend did the same thing to me behind my back when I was a freshmen in highschool. I concluded people were scandalous early on and was proven right repeatedly, but it never phased me much.  I just kept it moving.  I had no idea that there was intense seasons of life coming to teach me more about people.  Two seasons in particular are in mind:  one seasons began in my late 20s--with my brother's death and the other is happening now.

It was a rough season:  I was in a car accident, my grandma had a stroke, and my brother was murdered all in the same week...and I was working on my first Masters degree and contemplating a call to ministry.  In this season I learned about the self-centeredness of people.  Two of my closest male friends did not even come to my brother's funeral.  One had to "play drums at a church that night", and the other sent his mother to come in his place.  One close female friend said I was being needy days following the funeral.  This was true because we found out my brother was murdered by someone very close to him and my family, but my friend didn't want to be burdened with the pain of all of that it seemed. These friends could not handle my pain...it was too uncomfortable for them.  I was blown away.  I learned then that most folk operate with a cliche Christianity (or pseudo-religious/righteousness system) that only enables them to theorize about what is right and doesn't prepare them to do it.  At that point I could of cussed someone out for sending me a scripture verse...kid you not. 

When my thirties came what I learned in my late 20s began to expand after a while.  Things were going quite well for a while and as I lived with the scars of all I had been through.  Life was slowly becoming fun again and I was meeting people, surrounded by people, and sought out by people.  Money wasn't funny; my guy was loving me and I was finishing up as second Masters and trying to figure out how God was going to pay for doctoral work in theology.  Then, out of the blue, weird random health scares started sending me back and forth for testing, financial difficulties popped up due to the strain of finishing up seminary; I found out the love of my life was nuts, and a few other intensly stressful thing began happening.  In addition, there was a series of losses in my family and a couple of friends passed as well.  We had constant court dates to prepare for the trial for the guy who killed my brother toyed with my family, and it became another rough season.  I am in the middle of it right now.

Yet, right now, I have had pseudo-friends talk about me to others, mock all the difficulties I am going through, walk away because the trouble is lasting a little too long, or simply remind me or how bad things are now.  I have had "friends" tell me I should have dropped out of seminary instead of pressing to finish; I should have given up on whatever call I "thought" I had and get back to teaching English immediately, and even tell others that I am making up health issues for attention.  On top of that I have had thirsty dudes hoping I am vulnerable enough to let them get at me.  I have been laughed at, forgotten about and fronted on by folk who were scared I might actually need them. 

I could not get the people closes to me to give me a ride when my car was down, come see me when I was in the hospital, go to the doctor with me or even bring me a cup of soup.  But...I have had these same people text me scripture (and almost get cussed out...lol), ask me when I am throwing another party or if I can get them into concerts for free, ask me to hook them up with people, or simply bring them soup because they are sick.  I have even had these same people call me and cry (males mostly) about how screwed up their lives are.  It's all so ironic that in my 30s I am learning more about the usury of people and seeing the lack of compassion more clearly than ever.  I have learned that you should be careful who you tell your "whoas" to because some of those closest to you are happy when you are suffering.  Hate can hide behind a smile and a hug.  What's sad is that most of the people (most but not all) are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  I guess in my 30s I re-learned that the Church is...broken.  I see others who simply spew out moral sentiment the same way.

While I have been busy learning about others and seeing through garbage more immediately, I also have been learning about myself and the effect all of these dynamics have had on me.  The first thing is that I do not mind being called distant, nonchalant or even shady by people who have been phony and untrustworthy.  I do not care whether you are a pastor, guru, or music mogul--if you have demonstrated a lack of regard for people and really only support them when they push your agenda forward then you get no love from me.  Like T.I. said, "If you ain't living what you kicking then you worthless...".  I learned that the concern I had about being understanding of why people do what they do has gone out the window.  I learned that people will think I am shady because I choose not to deal with them, or they will interpret my lack of care as me holding a grudge because they do not want to accept that I have completely disengaged.  I have also learned that just because you love a person that does not mean that he or she should be in your life and that I have been blessed to have only a few real friends who will come through in a clutch--even if we do not talk to or see each other everyday.