I admit I have trust issues. Let's be for real, folk are wildin' out here, cheating, lying, and a lot of them are simply shady. That's a given. Maybe its even par for the course, but its not the reason for my trust issues. My trust issues are with God.
I just know the extremely enthusiastic churchgoers are freaking out on me right now...lolol. (Y'all know, our brothers and sisters in Christ, who are hypervigilant over other people's faults, are probably reading with disdain at this point.) But if you are still reading, it’s true. I have major trust issues right now...with God. Now before you start rebuking this page, just hear me out.
Sometimes I feel like if were to take a sort of satisfaction survey assessing how God has been moving in my life, kind of like on a Trust Likert Scale or something, the score would be pretty low depending on the day. I honestly do not remember a time in my life, where my trust in God took a hit like this. Well, maybe there was one other time.
Things got dark when I lost my brother, but I had my mom to pull me back to the light. She had her siblings to help her with her leg of that journey as well. We had family holding us up. We had the church, and we had counseling to help. Now, my mommy is gone. She is, undoubtedly, enjoying heaven with her son, her brothers, my dad, and a lot of family. I am here without her love, their love, left to navigate solo so, yeah, some days that's the reason I don't trust God.
Oddly enough, there are actually times where I trust my mother's voice more than I trust God. I know she's physically not here, but what I mean is this: I can still hear her voice telling me to hold on. I hear her saying I must hold to my faith no matter what. I can still recall the sound of her voice praying for me and reminding me of who I am in Christ. And then suddenly, in the middle of my trust issues, her voice points me back to God.
Its in this space of grace that I am being held. Its like God's hands are a hammock of grace, and I snuggled right in the center. The wind blows, sometimes strongly. Yet, though I sway, God never lets me fall out of His hands. Clearly, I am being kept (Psalm 121) even as I wonder "Why? What purpose could this pain serve?"
The answer to this question became a bit clearer a couple of weeks ago. I was with one of my closest friends, by his mothers side, when she passed away. It was not expected. And I was definitely not anticipating seeing someone take their last breath, let alone his mom. I know for a fact that the only way I was able to stand with him in that hospital room, despite my trust issues, is because God is intentional with His grace and keeping power. He can use you when can neither understand nor see purpose. God clearly knew my own pain would become the catalyst for a ministry of presence. Now, sometimes that presence has been in the form of jokes or merely acknowledging and my friend's pain as he navigates the dark night of the soul. And at other times, it is in the form of support and help with organizing the final things as he prepares to lay his sweet mother to rest. The ability to be present, despite my own grief...despite my own trust issues, was/is a gift from God.
What I have come to understand in this context is that God does not hold my trust issues against me. He knows how they got there from grief. He knows just how sneaky grief is. But God, being more than able to draw us back to Himself, keeps us in the midst pain, in brokenness, and despite our little trust issues. God harnesses the power He places in us for our good and His glory. No matter what God "...is at work in you, enabling you to both will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13)" because, unlike you and I, God gets our contexts. He understands it all.
ReplyDeletePowerful reminder of both the struggles and the necessity of trust!
Yes! Thanks for your response.
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