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Sidebar With A Brotha: Ladies, Be Honest....

Can solid, monogamous, healthy relationships develop between black men & women in 2016?

Its aint looking good for the home team.

I have grown exhausted of hearing sistas say there are no good, employed, straight, educated, professional black men. The question for me lately has been: "Do they even know when they've come across one"? I wonder if some are so oblivious, self-absorbed, damaged and high post that they overlook good men right in their eyesight? Or maybe some are looking for an Idris, a Common, or a Hill Harper...or...for a brother to drop "dollars and sense" on them or "shell out that dough" as one said to me?

At 40 years old I have had a few long lasting relationships, those unfortunately ended, but chivalry definitely wasn't the issue. What I have learned through those experiences and over time, though, is that the ingredients for a good relationship are friendship and communication. A true fondness for one another as individuals is simply required. You should genuinely want to see the other person WIN in all aspects of life:  school, finances, employment, weight management--LIFE! But how can a friendship develop if some sistas don't communicate with the men they claim to be interested in? And if you are not really interested then you don't pass out your number, right? You don't do dinner or drinks multiple times when you're not interested either.  We all know you can pay for your own drinks and appetizer's, so don't lead a brotha on when you can just shut it down and say, "I am not feelin' you like that".   Put your real intentions on the table, say what you want, and let a man accept or reject it. He should have the option of either keeping it movin' or sticking around. The bottom line is--communicate your real intentions within a reason amount of time.  Its not difficult. 

Sistas have a lot of examples of excellent verbal communicators, the outstanding FLOTUS, Michelle Obama for one, Oprah Winfrey, and even the VHS Basetball Wives! #jokes  
Regardless, it seems that some women share what they want to share instead telling the truth and practicing what they preach. If you want a man who communicates his interest and you desire to be with a "good" man, then trying making sure you match him with like qualities.  Don't misunderstand me, I am not bitter, just disappointed that some sistas have not stepped up their own game.  The last couple of women I went out with had multiple degrees, lead monthly book club meetings, wore their hair natural (You know...the "natural girls with natural curls" fad practicing type.), were pretty conscious and fly, but they simply could not articulate intentions-- or lack there of--with me.  I just don't know what it is.  I have a crew of sane brothas and sistas around me who are either successfully married or happily single, and I consult with about whether or not I am missing something or if its that some women are simply communicating selectively (or deceptively).  


I have had time to think about these things a bit, and I considered that maybe some women just don't get it.  So...I am leaving this for women to think about--some advice to follow:  Try not to allow your sorors, aunts, friends, the crew you kick it with, or characters in your favorite movies to define what you need, require or desire in a man or even what your "type" should be.  At least give a brotha you engage the courtesy of a phone call to rule him out. Be open.  Be direct with your intentions as soon as possible.  (We all know it doesn't take that long for you to decide if you want to see, talk or entertain anyone.) 

OH...by the way...texting is unacceptable. Let it go and review other methods of consistent communication, if you are truly interested.  Adults have conversations and don't hide behind text messages.  Just saying.

In the beginning of courting texting is not cool. During actual conversations you both can determine if a face to face meeting, coffee or date is required, and you can't get that from text or simply liking a Facebook picture. Do something different.  If you stay in your own head and do what you have always done you (e.g.:  not calling a brother first OR not communicating where you want to go...or dating the same "type") you will get what you always got.  Finally, know this:  a real man will recognize your effort of communication, and you will reap the rewards.

I encourage you to talk openly and honestly...seriously.

(Guest Blogger:  Randall Thompson)

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