(Written by Anonymous....
Many thanks xo)
I met him one summer while studying at an HBCU in VA. He was funny, flirty and gave me the attention that showed me he was attracted to me. I was 16 but mature enough to recognize what I was feeling. He was a short funny guy with a Brooklyn accent and New York slang. He and I lived on different coasts so when our program ended we knew we wouldn’t see each other again unless it was planned. We kept in touch, in the days before rapid text messaging; we talked on the phone for 3 hours at a time whispering under covers at night or in the bathroom after my family had fallen asleep. I hadn’t had a long-term relationship in high school or dated anyone seriously before this so it was a big deal to me that we kept in touch after summer, through winter and into the spring. I had been accepted to a school on the East Coast, and my mother and I planned a visit during my spring break. Of course, we planned to see each other and counted down the days til my visit during our nightly phone calls. Then something strange happened, while we were discussing our spring break plans, graduation details, college acceptance letters and prom, he explained how he couldn’t wait to see me and said “I love you”. I don’t remember the order of the conversation, but I remember telling him “don’t say that” and that he needed to stop playing so much and that was why I couldn't take him seriously. He paused and said it in a deeper, clearer tone… so I said it back. I meant it.
I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was racing. I had all the symptoms of love, not to mention the butterflies or that lost of appetite. I thought, "Yeah, I do love him. We’ve been talking for a long time (wow! 9 months #sarcasm). He’s interested in me, thinks I’m attractive, shows me he makes me feel special, and he’s excited to see me! So fast forward, we met up during my college visit, our mothers met each other and connected right away swapping stories about raising teenagers… to me, another sign to us that we were in love. The summer went as planned with our frequent talks and plans to see each other in the fall after we were both on the same coast for college in the fall. Without realizing it, I had become dependent on our talks, texts and the attention he gave me. I hungered deeply for his next call, our plan to see each other again and the next silly thing he would say to make me laugh. Although we didn’t have titles, I thought of him as mine. Any little thing I could bring up about him with my friends, I did, not wondering if he felt the same intensity towards me. It’s hard to measure whether he felt the same intensity or not but I learned that this infatuation was what kept me dependent on his next text or call.
August, September and October came and went without a visit from him like we planned. I blamed it on the move to college and set a time for us to meet just before I left for Thanksgiving and then just before winter break. Neither of those meetings happened. “What’s going on with him? I thought”, “Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore or he found someone better?” That spring I began to date someone else from college and didn’t attempt to meet up with him after that but we kept in touch infrequently… about once a season, but whenever he called or texted, I answered and we carried on like we never lost touch.
We finally met up about 4 years later and all the feelings were gone. I was confused...the entire week before we met, all I could think of were the possibilities of us picking up where we left off and all the feelings rushed back up until the time I saw him again in person. It was a strange place to be but at the same time relieving. This is how I imagine it feels after being released from a substance addiction...relapse is part of recovery but this relapse was completely flat. I didn’t feel the symptoms I so highly anticipated.
I think of love like the concept of the first laws of energy. Energy cannot be created or destroyed.
It can only be transferred. Maybe at one time I was in love...but now that love has been transferred to a different person.
Or can love be on reserve after your first time...until you're ready to spend it on someone else again?
Many thanks xo)
I met him one summer while studying at an HBCU in VA. He was funny, flirty and gave me the attention that showed me he was attracted to me. I was 16 but mature enough to recognize what I was feeling. He was a short funny guy with a Brooklyn accent and New York slang. He and I lived on different coasts so when our program ended we knew we wouldn’t see each other again unless it was planned. We kept in touch, in the days before rapid text messaging; we talked on the phone for 3 hours at a time whispering under covers at night or in the bathroom after my family had fallen asleep. I hadn’t had a long-term relationship in high school or dated anyone seriously before this so it was a big deal to me that we kept in touch after summer, through winter and into the spring. I had been accepted to a school on the East Coast, and my mother and I planned a visit during my spring break. Of course, we planned to see each other and counted down the days til my visit during our nightly phone calls. Then something strange happened, while we were discussing our spring break plans, graduation details, college acceptance letters and prom, he explained how he couldn’t wait to see me and said “I love you”. I don’t remember the order of the conversation, but I remember telling him “don’t say that” and that he needed to stop playing so much and that was why I couldn't take him seriously. He paused and said it in a deeper, clearer tone… so I said it back. I meant it.
I was sweaty, shaky and my heart was racing. I had all the symptoms of love, not to mention the butterflies or that lost of appetite. I thought, "Yeah, I do love him. We’ve been talking for a long time (wow! 9 months #sarcasm). He’s interested in me, thinks I’m attractive, shows me he makes me feel special, and he’s excited to see me! So fast forward, we met up during my college visit, our mothers met each other and connected right away swapping stories about raising teenagers… to me, another sign to us that we were in love. The summer went as planned with our frequent talks and plans to see each other in the fall after we were both on the same coast for college in the fall. Without realizing it, I had become dependent on our talks, texts and the attention he gave me. I hungered deeply for his next call, our plan to see each other again and the next silly thing he would say to make me laugh. Although we didn’t have titles, I thought of him as mine. Any little thing I could bring up about him with my friends, I did, not wondering if he felt the same intensity towards me. It’s hard to measure whether he felt the same intensity or not but I learned that this infatuation was what kept me dependent on his next text or call.
August, September and October came and went without a visit from him like we planned. I blamed it on the move to college and set a time for us to meet just before I left for Thanksgiving and then just before winter break. Neither of those meetings happened. “What’s going on with him? I thought”, “Maybe he doesn’t like me anymore or he found someone better?” That spring I began to date someone else from college and didn’t attempt to meet up with him after that but we kept in touch infrequently… about once a season, but whenever he called or texted, I answered and we carried on like we never lost touch.
We finally met up about 4 years later and all the feelings were gone. I was confused...the entire week before we met, all I could think of were the possibilities of us picking up where we left off and all the feelings rushed back up until the time I saw him again in person. It was a strange place to be but at the same time relieving. This is how I imagine it feels after being released from a substance addiction...relapse is part of recovery but this relapse was completely flat. I didn’t feel the symptoms I so highly anticipated.
I think of love like the concept of the first laws of energy. Energy cannot be created or destroyed.
It can only be transferred. Maybe at one time I was in love...but now that love has been transferred to a different person.
Or can love be on reserve after your first time...until you're ready to spend it on someone else again?
Love it!
ReplyDeleteRespect from one author to another! Thx
DeleteErie
I enjoyed this. Thanks for inviting me to read it.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. Thanks for inviting me to read it.
ReplyDeleteNice!
ReplyDeleteExcellent article dealing with first love, life's changes and maturity. Enjoyed it very much!
ReplyDeleteExcellent article dealing with first love, life's changes and maturity. Enjoyed it very much!
ReplyDeleteVery well written! You really summed up the different variations of emotions that one can go thru during the span of a lifetime all in the name of love! There is nothing like the term "first love"! Even now, it makes my heart skip a beat!!!
ReplyDelete